back to madness after reading rafe esquith. it is making me want more!! back in the days when I obsessed about teaching and learning, it was the water that I drank and the dreams I had at night. It was not first love. It was just me wanting to get better.
in my hidden garden
beside the spring
on a branch that did not hide anything
a hideous face some would say
would not turn its back from stares
believing in its own true beauty
and proud of its little one.
while I stay in the dark
away from the crowd and stares
keeping my words only to myself.
she turned on the kitchen light with scarves around her neck. the cough was deep and unyielding. she smelled of ginger and lemon balm from China given to her by her reflexologist.
last night’s dinner with her son and husband was still very evident in the sink. the stove was greasy. the plates and pots had to be organized for more plates and pots after breakfast. Lorna comes after 8. she is the lady who cleans the house and does little laundry.
a new piece of kitchen rag was torn from the roll. the stove smelled fresh and was squeaking clean after a few deliberate strokes. hot water was piping from the electric pot. tea of rose pollen and licorice was being steeped.
Golda found a bone under the garden sink. she carefully started to gnaw on it on the pebbled square.
it is 6:53 and the fighting cocks nearby were hysterically crowing. the roaches started to slide through the cracks in the bathroom. the sun was up by then. the kingfishers were not audible nor the regular chirping of the finches.
have you been to where I am today?
IT is strange and unfamiliar.
It is familiar and yet new.
who would have thought it would not be easy?
I did not know.
Alone with so many people
Sad when there’s joy and laughter at the same time.
wise yet naive
found and lost.
Where is this moment?
What is this place?
Who is this time?
What do I do?
What do I need?
What do I let go?
I thought I did.
I thought I always knew.
It gets dark where I am or too bright at times
how do I go back to peace
and be content with nothing knowing that I am full?
Just went through a 4 year old anger this morning and as expected, it has metamorphosed to a full blown rage! As I was very pissed being asked why I was not at work, I thought of hurling things that my hands could grasp and saying unimaginable words that cannot be found in the dictionary. I am F—-ng**** President, Owner, Founder of my own company and why can’t I declare a holiday when I have to go through the jalousies in the window of my office and bump into the drawer of my filing cabinet and worst dehydrate in the heat of that “stockroom” that smells of old rags and dirty socks, sweaty napes and moldy files????
I do not need my opthalmologist to listen to this issue (yes I am not seeing a therapist or a shrink) nor my yoga teacher to hear this. Today, I gave it to the one who should receive it! 4 years of anger suppressed and dealt with the best way I could! Prayers, meditation, breathing, affirmations, yoga, hiking, cooking, etc. is not the way for me today!
And always, whenever I call on my celibate friend to talk about my marital woes, we end up laughing like watching the funniest drama of life!
There is so much to do and learn. That’s exciting! How about sewing dresses and putting up a boutique? How about enrolling in jewelry making? silver smithing? How about meeting the President of the Philippines? This one I am not so keen about. I guess that I would like to write a book and become a published author? a bestseller! I am thinking of getting a grant for my school or building a theatre that I can’t afford. How about earning a million next month?
These things I thought while I contemplate about clearing and cleaning my closet. There are dishes in the sink I refuse to wash every night and there’s a big RAT munching on my guyabano while I open my mail!
Now I am missing Jasmin and Roxy… my beloved golden rets. May they catch all le mice in dog heaven but I suspect that mice in dog heaven have wings! And why would there be mice in dog heaven? Should this reward be for cat heaven?
There is one thing though that I must do immediately- set up a mouse trap!
it is raining heavily now…
I asked for a good heart. That was my prayer tonight. I did not ask for patience because I do not want to suffer. I asked for a good heart because I need not exercise patience if that will be granted to me.
There are times when I overflow with murderous thoughts. God forgive and forbid.
But you know what? This is all but drama! We can always choose what we want to become even for a fleeting moment. We can choose not to lose composure and instead divert to something more productive and useful.
Maybe my prayers have been answered. Thank God!